Strict Parenting and Teen Rebellion

In this Teen Talk, one teenager shows how excessive restrictions can be detrimental to a parent-teen relationship.

When I was in the seventh and eighth grade, I had a friend who had really strict parents. She was not allowed to have a phone, use social media, or get permission to hang out with friends.

Regardless of these strict rules, she did all the things her parents tried to restrict. She had a Snapchat, a boyfriend, and even would sneak out of her house at night. She would constantly share stories about how she would smoke and drink with her friends, and all the times she had sent nude photos to boys online. Despite her parents placing a lot of restrictions on her, she found ways to surpass them. She secretly became their worst nightmare.

Being a teenager is difficult—we are figuring out our own identities independent of who our parents want us to be while navigating where we fit in our communities. Strict parents may feel like they are doing the right things to protect their children, but a lack of communication when setting hard rules can damage honesty in a parent-child relationship. Similarly, lawnmower parents, who tend to micromanage their kids’ every move, might find their kids rebelling once they earn even a sliver of independence.

My friends’ experience is not unusual. As a 17-year-old, I hear lots of stories about sneaking out, sneaking alcohol, and sneaking partners over. I know teens who will deliberately leave their phones home while they sneak off to other places in case the tracking app gives away their plan.

Parents set these precautions and restrictions to keep kids safe, but without open communication, they set teens up to practice even riskier behaviors. When we leave our phones at home to avoid being tracked, we risk not being able to contact someone in an emergency. When we don’t feel trusted, we are less likely to open up to our parents. When we feel judged and misunderstood, we don’t ask for the help that we desperately need.

Emily Edlynn, PhD, a clinical psychologist and mom of three, points to research for setting rules and boundaries for kids. “Research supports that parents who express openness to debate and negotiation rather than demanding obedience have psychologically healthier children,” says Dr. Edlynn, who is the author of The Art and Science of Mom parenting blog, as well as the upcoming parenting book Parenting for Autonomy.

There’s also the whole psychological reactance aspect—when someone is being told not to do something, it increases their desire to do it because they feel a threat to their behavioral freedom.